I feel like I was fed a false fairytale. Before I continue, I take full responsibility for accepting it as truth. I am not a victim, although sometimes my damaged ego from dating tells me so.
The Fairytale: A “good” woman goes after her dreams, receives a higher education, and has a fulfilling career. She lives a wonderful life full of rich friendships, amazing trips, and decadent experiences that cultivate culture and class. She is independent and provides for herself; therefore, she can purchase the car, clothes, and home of her dreams. One day, a man– who has gone after his own dreams, education, and career– falls madly in love with the aforementioned woman because he sees how wonderful she is. They live happily ever after in wedded bliss.
I believe this fairytale originated in the Feminist Movement. The women of the older generation constructed this fairytale in response to the “damsel in distress saved by Prince Charming” archetype. Since this fairytale construct has no malicious intent, I have a hard time critiquing it as I feel like I am slamming a generation of women who created opportunities on which I have capitalized.
I am the woman of the fairytale. I went after my dreams. I earned my Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. I have traveled; I have provided well for my daughter and myself; and I have a fantastic life full of great friends and wonderful experiences.
Most of my best friends are women of the fairytale, too. All are phenomenal woman, yet are all single. Our dating experiences lead us to question: What is wrong with us? What are we doing wrong to be continually dismissed by men? I have been told on numerous occasions that my dating flaw is I have a tendency to “intimidate” guys. Not because I am this big, mean, militant woman, but because my life is BIG.
I consulted my guru on men—my brother. His sage wisdom was a man will internally compare himself to me. If he cannot measure up on all the levels, then he doesn’t want to play. Steve Harvey confirms my brother’s honesty in Think like a Man, Act like a Lady. Steve Harvey writes:
As I’ve already explained, the three ways a man shows you he loves you is by professing, providing, and protecting. Which means that if you’ve got your own money, your own car, your own house, a Brinks alarm system, a pistol, and a guard dog, and you’re practically shouting from the rooftops that you don’t need a man to provide for you or protect you, then we will see no need to keep coming around. What in the world do you need us for if you have all that? (182)
This makes me want to cry in frustration. I have been encouraged all my life to be independent and achieve the fairytale, which I have, and now I cannot find a mate who can stand next to me. I feel duped.
Well-meaning people offer advice about dating and the number one piece of advice: be a better woman. They say, “Just work on being a better version of you and he will appear.” Well, I have been working on being a “better” woman and I feel like a dating untouchable. The part of me that is cynical and downtrodden asks why I would improve because further improvement would further limit my possibilities at true love. For example, I am considering going back to school for my doctorate as I have always seen my name with the “Dr.” prefix. Whenever I am at a graduation, I stare at the doctoral gowns and beanies and I say to the people around me, “One day, I will wear that.” But, that cynical and downtrodden part of me is screaming that if I get a doctorate, then the dating pool will shrink even more.
Maybe this fairytale is my fairytale; maybe it is not. Maybe God and the universe are still writing mine. In the meantime, I must remind myself that God has a big plan for me when the voice of cynicism grows too loud. I must remain authentic to my life’s purpose, which is guided by the Holy Spirit. I must not limit myself for love because the Holy Spirit has been preparing my True Love for a woman like me.
Today, I change my prayer for my True Love. My prayer is “God, bring me a man with a big presence in life. Let him be so secure in whom he is that he can respect and honor all of me.”
Amen!
Hallelujah Highway 
K,
I read this post and heard a lonely longing. Not a whine exactly but a: what’s wrong with me?!?! Kind of note and I completely if lovingly disagree with your dear brother, however wonderful and intelligent a man he is.
I think you and your friends’ rock! When my daughter grows up I want her to be just like this. Independent, secure and able. But I also want her to open.
In my experience, being a once divorced and one time single mother without a full degree but self-educated and with many years in the workforce, creative and independent and able in my own right to thrive be a home and business owner.
But I also have never had a time when I was alone unless I chose to be. I have been called intimidating and powerful, but I have also been called sassy charming sure of myself and a burning flame. One that attracts beautiful, sure, wonderful men.
I disagree that a man needs someone to protect. Rather I feel one need to be open enough- to be sure enough and trusting enough to ALLOW him to HELP protect.
To assist one on her journey. On the other hand I need to be willing enough and strong enough and supportive enough to let him be WEAK sometimes, and okay with that, because we all need it.
We need to do a dance of power and support and weakness and vulnerability, and really that is a partnership. Each picking the other up and dusting one another off at the time the other is in need. The right guy recognizes that a strong sure woman is not strong all the time and keeps looking until he sees his opportunity to shine in her life like the prince he can be, and a woman needs to look twice at each man she’s attracted to, and see if he has a prince and a frog inside and hopefully they match the needs inside her. I know because I’ve found my King to my Queen.
Don’t stop being who you are my dear beautiful K, you are amazing and I know know know there is a winner out there wondering where the heck YOU are. I know because I’ve heard them complaining about this very thing too!
❤
R
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