Hallelujah Highway

Celebrating the Journey

My Concept of My Daughter~ Kristi

on September 5, 2013

My Concept

Dear Reader,

This was the very first post I wrote for Hallelujah Highway.  I didn’t publish it and I cannot tell you exactly why.  I love this post because it captures the biggest mothering lesson I learned this past year.  I see how much my relationship with my daughter has changed since I wrote this post.  Thank you for the opportunity to pull it out of my writing vault and share it.

Love,

Kristi

~~~~~

“You can’t have your daughter as long as you have a concept of her. When you get rid of the concept, you meet your daughter for the first time. That’s the way this works.” Byron Kate’s Facebook post on 8/12/12

I was at a children’s museum with another mom with children about my daughter’s age.  While we were talking, I looked over to her daughter who was daintily playing in the grocery store.  She was checking out the foods she had placed in her basket.  The other mom’s daughter is the epitome of girl- hair bows, rosy framed glasses, pink, dresses, dolls, princesses, etc.  She even walks on her tippy toes, which gives her this floating grace.  Her voice is melodious and sweet.  The things she says melts your heart.

I leaned over and half-heartedly joked, “When I heard I was having a girl, I thought I was going to have a girl like your daughter.”  She laughed and stated, “And, I thought I was having a girl like your daughter.”  At that exact moment, my daughter dashed out of the theater area where she had wrangled all the kids in the area to put on a play in full costumes and screamed with her booming voice, “Hi, Mom!”  She raced like a blur towards the athletic area to pretend she was in the Olympics.  Her arms and legs flailed every which way.  It was a burst of my daughter’s energy— loud, big, and “I-make-my-presence-known.”

I love my daughter beyond words, but she is not dainty.  She is not soft.  She is not the epitome of girl.  She is a rough and tumble tomboy.  She is a take charge leader.  Her voice is loud and big, but so is her heart.  She likes her dresses, dolls, and hair bows, but most of the time, the girl is ROCKING a paint stained t-shirt from her painting with reckless abandonment escapades, some jeans, and worn through tennis shoes because she can’t keep her shoes new or clean for more than 3-minutes.  She is head strong, loves attention, and has very definite ideas on how things should run.  She can be found telling people – young and old- what to do or how to do it because she is smart and has figured out EXACTLY how things are supposed to be done.    When her teachers come up to me and say, “Guess what your daughter said (or did) today?” I cringe and brace myself.  I start planning my apology.

I will openly and honestly admit that my daughter is very much like me.  I have been loud and awkward for most of my life.  As I age, my intention is to find peace, soften, and let go of my brash ways (except for my signature f-bombs—those will probably stay!).  My daughter’s strong presence in her little six-year-old world contradicts the peace and softness I seek and that causes me great consternation. But, there are things about my daughter’s strength that I greatly admire.  My daughter advocates for herself.  She will ask for things she needs or wants.  I don’t and I wish I did that for myself more.  Yet, I find myself still correcting her in hopes of softening her and making her more of what I want in myself and a girl.

I had a powerful mommy moment a few weeks ago where I realized, on a soul level, that God sent this little girl to do BIG things.  Her loud, active, rough and tumble personality will be used to make the world she influences a better place.  She will be the voice that challenges societal norms and systems that no longer serve others.  She has the chutzpah to make a difference in the world or to hold her own amongst the “big dogs” in life.  My concept of the girl I thought I was getting is only impeding God’s calling for her life.  As Byron Katie describes above, I must let go of the concept of my daughter.  I must let her develop into the being that God made.  I must surrender and let her spirit unfold.

I am not saying this is easy as it requires me to strip myself of the concepts I hold for myself and her, but I am willing to be a work in progress.  I am willing to meet my daughter for the first time over and over and over again until I see who she really is- not who I want her to be.

Hallelujah for my thunderous, loving, amazing, bold, generous, sweet daughter!  Hallelujah for this awareness!  Hallelujah for the learning about myself through the relationship with my daughter and for meeting my daughter for the first time over and over and over!


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