Dear Loneliness~ Kristi

Dear Loneliness,

You, my Achilles’ heel, are an unwelcomed visitor. Usually, I am a happy, optimistic person who trusts the process of Life and has faith that all is in Divine Order. When you enter into my awareness, my radiance dwindles and the void multiples. I try to focus on superfluous things in order to distract myself from you lurking in the shadows. I try to focus elsewhere as I know that what I focus on expands. I fill my life with doing too much in hope there is no room for you.

Yet, you find me in the moments of solitude. You find me as I sit alone on the sidelines of my daughter’s soccer games. Or, on Friday nights as I lay exhausted on my couch from a full week of activities. Or, picking out a Christmas tree. Or, while on vacation.  Or, out at my daughter’s school carnival.  Speaking of my girl, she senses your presence despite my attempts to hide you behind the “everything is ok” mask.  In her seven-year old way, she tries to figure out what to do with your empty space.  She looks to me for answers and I don’t have any.  We just stand there, hand-in-hand, and bravely continue forward on our journey together.

Loneliness, those moments are intended for communing and fellowshipping with life. I do not want to plot and plan how I will out run, hide, or distract myself from the misnomers you whisper. My mind loves to listen and internalize your lies. Lies like: “See, no one loves you;” “There is something wrong with you and that is why you are still single;” and “Your life sucks because being alone sucks.” My mind, the one of finite human understanding, loves to obsess and ruminate on you. You are the perceived problem and my mind seeks solutions.

Loneliness, I have accepted less than I deserve because of the fear of your companionship. I have stayed with men that are not “the one” because I didn’t have the courage to move into solitude because that meant you would have the upper hand in our long and hard fought battle. Due to your presence, I have doubted that my soul mate exists and have fallen in love with men with a lesser connection out of fear that a deeper, more soul level connection would not manifest.

I am tired of fighting you; therefore, I surrender myself to you.

Since you remain as a constant in my life, you are here for a reason. Instead of being at war with you, I allow you to craft me into the woman I am destined to be. I pray to embody the lesson you are here to teach. Let me figure out a way to coexist with you.  I must learn how to coexist with you because I know you will continue to show up until I do.

My first attempt to do so is to date you. If you are here, I will woo you. I will put on my heels and dress.  I will do my makeup and hair.  I will court you. I welcome you to accompany me in life as you are no longer my unwelcomed enemy. I accept that you are my oldest companion and I am at peace with your existence.

In full surrender,

Kristi, the single momma

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