Hallelujah Highway

Celebrating the Journey

Holding Pattern ~ Kristi

on January 3, 2013

waiting

For some reason, I see this piece of writing as not a blog post, but as a conversation between friends over coffee (or Patron margaritas). 

One of my talents is I am a visionary.  I am not the type of visionary where the vision comes in a dream, nor do the visions come as a sudden blast of knowledge.  I am a visceral visionary.  I need time to sit and think and ponder and wonder and feel…I need time to ruminate and pray and listen and do research…I like to literally climb into the vision and walk around in it.  I experience the feeling sensations in the vision.  I describe the vision to my people—the ones who know me and who get me.  I use their input and mold the vision based on my gut instincts and feedback from the Universe, which usually comes in the form of serendipitous events or conversations.

Once I have the vision, I hurry up and wait.  Oxymoronic, I know!  I can sit on the research and wait until I know that I am getting exactly what my vision is.  I am like a hidden lioness amongst the grasses of the Serengeti plains.  Waiting.  Crouched.  Poised to strike out at my prey of choice.

In many ways this form of visioning feeds my Type-A, over planning tendencies.  I am not good at spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment decisions as I always am left with a sense of regret because I don’t feel fully informed.  I feel robbed of my visceral visioning moments.    

This quality of mine drove my former boyfriend crazy because he was the exact opposite of me.  He didn’t like visions or plans because visions or plans set up expectations.  If the plans didn’t go as expected (let’s be honest—they never do!), then he would be left disappointed.  He didn’t like disappointment. 

As a visceral visionary, I am not attached to the vision.  Yes, I love to jump into my vision and dance and frolic, but I don’t expect things to turn out exactly as I envisioned.  I leave room for the Universe to provide me exactly what would serve my best and highest good as I have learned that God knows ten-times better what I need exactly.

Let me tell you what I am attached to.  Movement!  Active action!  Getting up! Doing something!  And, right now, life is not about movement and action.  It is the exact opposite.  It is about sitting down, being present, and waiting. 

I am not a good wait-er.  I am impatient.  I am a go-getter.  Once I am inspired by my visceral vision quests, I like to be poised to pounce.  Life keeps stopping me.  It says, “No, Kristi.  Sit down.  Take a breath.  Enjoy the moment.  No pouncing.  Just be.”  This is a very yogic way of living and drives my Type-A personality insane.  So, I have this internal battle raging inside between life and my type-A, over achieverness. 

While I am just being, I feel urged to do some deep work on myself.  All of my habits must be questioned.  All of my relationships require reflection.  All of my reactions must be challenged.  Not in a confrontational way, but in an “it’s time to grow” way.  I must be more conscious.  I must have greater intention with my attention.  I must slow down. 

Dr. Seuss, in his infinite wisdom, calls this The Waiting Place in Oh the Places You’ll Go!  He describes:

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

I call this time “The Holding Pattern.”  On one hand, it is similar to an airport and air traffic control tower.  There are many visions, or airplanes, in the air at one time and I am required to monitor and pray for each of them.  They are all at different elevations and going different speeds, but none of them can land.  Why?  Because!  There is work to be done.  There is work to be done inside the vision (or airplane) and there is work to be done on the landing strip.  Everything requires work.  Sometimes, when I think it is time to land a plane, something happens and it requires the plane to ascend to its original flight pattern and I am left waiting.  Sitting there monitoring the visionary planes. 

On the other hand, it is like the chrysalis stage of a butterfly.  The butterfly’s cocoon is the protective covering that protects the transformation that is occurring deep within.  The caterpillar goes into the cocoon, and comes out a completely different entity.  One that can fly.  But, that flight will not occur without the transformative time spent in chrysalis.  Waiting on transformation.

So, today I chose to just wait.  I chose to be at peace with the Holding Pattern.  I allow myself to be in chrysalis.  Figuratively, my life feels pregnant.  It is a pregnant pause.  A pause that requires little outward action, but more inner work—more than usual.  I am ok.  I am waiting patiently.  I am grateful.  I get up every day, pray my prayer that invokes the transformation that would allow God to do more work in and through me, and I just be. 

Hallelujah for this pregnant time in my life.  A time of incubation.  A period of transformation. 


2 responses to “Holding Pattern ~ Kristi

  1. […] believe the Universe and God use signs to offer me feedback. While the Holding Pattern reared its ugly head this week, I know I am on the right […]

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  2. […] “The Holding Pattern,” I described how God was asking me to sit down and do some deep, deep internal work.  God put […]

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